20190830

Here is the reason why I write this diary in English:

I’m on a train now, and the man sits by my side keeps staring at my laptop. I hate those actions without any boundary. It is always annoying.

I signed the contract with my new landlord for another year this noon. There is no furniture in the new flat. And I am the first tenant after its decoration. I kept thinking about to buy a beautiful wood tea-table with tiles on the surface. It seems there will be a different start at the end of the year. But in this noon, when I sit in the taxi, driving through the highway, the idea about hate the repeated days in others life emerged again. It happened before when I on the subway Line 4. I saw people on their bicycle waiting for the green light and students walking out of the school gates. And today it happened again when I on the highway. Is that because in those several times, I have the bird’s eye view to watch them?  When I looked at the city in that view, I somehow thought that everyone is suffering something and they just bear that. Why? Why should they bear that? Why could they bear the life that they almost need to bear everything?

I am losing the will to love someone now. Or maybe I just don’t want and I am worried about that I’m losing the ability. I also don’t want to meet new friends. I feel comfortable to be with the friends knew my temper, knew the way I express my feeling. Be more honest is I have no strength to find someone. I always focus on myself or say that I need the time to think about what should I chase for and what shouldn’t I waste time for. Sometimes when I finished those thinking process. I just found no one else inside of that, except myself. It always likes that, and I am used to the way of thinking. But now sometimes I feel the friends by my side actually need me by their side. I can’t be the person don’t know how to convey the concerns anymore. I used to think that they know themselves, they know how things will be and what they could do. 

Yuxin said when trying to talk with someone new is like a ‘start over’,  not like ‘pick someone on the road’. I said yes. It’s too deliberately. I don’t like to be dragged by someone or by myself to somewhere and then forced onto a chair, to say some words I don’t care about. I would rather keep quiet to resist all the forces. But there is another scene I am afraid now, I found I start to think about a conversation before it really happens. I start trying to get clear about what area shouldn’t be touched before the conversation. Maybe those conversations all feel alright after it happened. But I don’t like the rehearsal of it in my head. Why I did this thing gingerly by myself, rather than let the conversation flows with itself.

Are all the things I did was trying to control the conversation? That will be like the scene happened in the<statue of the union>. It seems every sentence between the two will be guided to the topic shown on the opening title. Maybe I was trying to do something like the scriptwriter did in their play? But it’s not good. It won’t be a natural and soft talk if I keep doing that. Or maybe its is natural cause it’s actually mean that I put my mind on it. Is that right? Maybe I shouldn’t afraid the pause happened in the conversation sometimes. Leaving more space within that.

I like the dialogue in Bergman’s <Scenes from a Marraige>. In some scenes, you can see the blank, maybe it’s the space left for the pause.

To the friend I mentioned above:
I still hesitate when I text the message in the chat app, to think the proper sentence or the proper direction. Hesitance is not good. It sometimes set the distance. We may feel more relax after a few more conversation when we meet. I think it will be soon and I hope you didn’t feel disappointed when you see my hesitance. Take care.